i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
