Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
