Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
