Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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