i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
