She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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