my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
