This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
