Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
