shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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