9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
