My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
