1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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