i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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