At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize