So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
