you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
