I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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