he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
