Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's blow job season.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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