Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
