You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
