I think I won the penis lottery.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
