It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
