She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My bed smells like the plague
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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