Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
