What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
