Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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