If i come over, it means nothing
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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