I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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