I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
