I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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