she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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