i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
