I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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