I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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