Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize