I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
