2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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