I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
