No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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