I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
