And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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