addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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