Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
