The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize