I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
NoShamevember. You game?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
