My liver just broke up with me...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
