everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
