Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
