and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
