So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
