I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
