update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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