I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize