My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
