dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
