apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
