She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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